Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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