Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
