respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
