I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
