i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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