He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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