My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
