Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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