Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
