Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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