we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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