Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
