Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
