remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
