I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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