If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
