You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
