I feel great
I just peed on a car
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
