I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
