beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
