were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm bleeding and have questions
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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