Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
