just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
