u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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