dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
