your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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