I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
