I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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