Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
