We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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