forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
