I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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