you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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