Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
