WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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