omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.