I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
