My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
