Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
