We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
