Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sorry my hands just texted you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
