i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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