I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
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what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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