mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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