and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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