My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
