I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
