my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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