well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
