so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
