Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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