it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
