Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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